No sex after baby? (006-Q3-Lincoln)

Lincoln writes, “My wife and I have been married seven years. We had a baby six months ago, and haven’t had sex since. Is that normal?”

Answer (From Podcast Episode 006):

Lincoln, I think it’s normal to have some down time on the sex, especially if your wife is tired. A new baby is plenty of work, I know from experience. If you’ve been asking for sex and she’s been denying you, then you’re probably better off taking a different tact.

First of all, be respectful of her. You don’t probably know all that’s happened to her body from having a baby. She could feel bad about herself physically. Feeling unsexy is a common theme, from what I’ve heard. Being tired comes from putting much effort into the baby. I wouldn’t personally want it any other way. That baby needs attention. Your wife deserves respect for how hard she’s working.

The different tact I’d take would be to help her by being genuinely caring about her physical comforts. Help her relax. Give her time to relax, especially by you taking the baby. A six month old baby would enjoy a stroller ride, playing bouncy knee, playing with toys. Get down and have some fun with your baby, and at the same time you’ll be lightening her load.

Encourage her to relax. Once the baby is asleep, treat your wife gently and romantically. Serve her a special dinner. Rub her back. But shift your mindset to genuinely helping her relax and be comfortable. Assuming you’re sleeping in the bed together, and she’s not sleeping in the baby’s room, nor is the baby sleeping in your bed between you, then you’ll have every night to cuddle her, rub her back, that sort of thing. Do that.

Never be demanding, that’s not the wise married man’s way. Be loving. Genuinely. Caress her. After kids, and as your marriage matures, you’ll need to be more sensitive and understanding when it comes to sex. Get used to it. Learn what works now. Don’t waste your time trying for what used to work. It used to be easier. You could be a putz and still have sex. But more and more, you’ll have to be a nice guy, and patient, and loving.

That’s my take on it. Hope that helps.

Good luck, Lincoln.

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